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Moons and Junes and ferris wheels, that dizzy dancing way you feel... [entries|friends|calendar]

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6 care enough to -  let me know...
[03 Jul 2007|10:22pm]
It's amazing how much more you learn when you are focused on helping other people than when you are trying to find answers for yourself.

3 care enough to -  let me know...
Please don't go. [29 Jun 2007|02:38pm]
[ mood | bummed out ]

All my life, I have been the one leaving. I have never once had someone leave me. I leave too much for that. I've been at Kingsway for three years, which is a record, and now I am being left. Being left sucks. I've never been to bothered by my leaving, but I'm not dealing quite as well with this. I'm selfish. Sorry.

let me know...
What I really want to know, what I really want to say, I can't define. [10 Jun 2007|09:55am]
[ mood | relaxed ]

I never thought I'd let anything get so complicated. I never thought it could all change so quickly. Maybe it wasn't quick and I just pushed it far away until now, because I thought it'd be easier that way. Bad idea.

I'm sure you appreciate that because you have no idea what I'm talking about, but anyway. I'm glad I finally have all my time to spend with friends. I missed them, and I don't think I realized how much. I'm so glad this awful school year is over, or at least I will be until August.

4 care enough to -  let me know...
Our youth is fleeting. [21 Apr 2007|06:03pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

Isaiah 40:6-8
6 A voice said, “Shout!”
I asked, “What should I shout?”

“Shout that people are like the grass.
Their beauty fades as quickly
as the flowers in a field.
7 The grass withers and the flowers fade
beneath the breath of the Lord.
And so it is with people.
8 The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever.”

Psalm 39:4-5
4 “Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.
Remind me that my days are numbered—
how fleeting my life is.
5 You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand.
My entire lifetime is just a moment to you;
at best, each of us is but a breath. 

At best, each of us is but a breath. This is something I've been meditating on for a very long time, and it seems to be the theme of this week. Life is short and unpredictable. Live that way. I know this is basically what I was talking about at Escape, but if words couldn't do it, look at the thirty-three at Virginia Tech. Look at Nate. Both events are tragic; they're not only lost lives, but in most cases lost young lives. We can't anticipate the end, but I hope that in all mourning and brokenheartedness, we can learn to live knowing every moment needs to count. I have come to realize that this is the message that I am to shout.

3 care enough to -  let me know...
I'm not bitter, no, it's just I've passed that point in my life. [04 Mar 2007|09:20am]
[ mood | fine ]

I am tired of winter clothes.
I am tired of school.
I am tired
of being tired.

I've been thinking
about why everything and every person seem so different to me lately.
I realized
I have changed tremendously over the past year or so.
It's nothing regrettable.
I'm just growing.
I realized
You can't have all this change without some other changes too.
Bring on the change.

let me know...
It is well with my soul. [09 Feb 2007|09:55pm]
[ mood | new ]

It is quite incredible to see people worshiping God in different ways. I learned a lot tonight, and I'm really thankful for that. Sometimes, it just takes a two by four.

1 care enough to -  let me know...
Sieze the day. Sieze whatever you can, 'cause life slips away just like hourglass sand. [31 Dec 2006|04:19pm]
I think it's funny that we celebrate the new year. I guess we all like new beginnings. I have intentions to celebrate every new day, hour, and second.

3 care enough to -  let me know...
All you have to do is say "I love you anyway". [28 Dec 2006|10:17pm]
[ mood | bothered ]

I would like us, speaking of humanity in general, to have eyes of unfailing love. I think that's where we mostly fall short of godliness.

4 care enough to -  let me know...
Time is contagious. Everybody's getting old. [26 Nov 2006|04:40pm]
[ mood | drained ]

I recently discovered that we are not that little anymore. In not very long, we'll all be gone from Kingsway.

This week, at least, I'm trying to look at the big picture. The big picture meaning as large as it could possibly get. I don't do that much. I like to figure out the little things. I need to trust God with them more often.

4 care enough to -  let me know...
Oh please hold me close. [31 Oct 2006|12:01am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

This has not been my month. I am glad that tomorrow is its last day. Maybe I'll gain hope for next month. Unfortunately, the broken ankle and end of the marking period don't bring much.

I think being angry and having hiccups is one of the worst combinations of all time. It takes away from the fact that you're trying to be serious and frustrated, which just leads to more frustration.

It is almost my birthday. For the first time, I'm not excited in the least. I'm excited to have off of school though. It will be a glorious break. I haven't had time to do anything lately, and I'm so behind in history. This is of course why I'm not doing it, but instead, this.

Homecoming was interesting. I had fun for the most part, but I felt bad.

I hate feeling helpless. I hate asking people to do things enough as it is. It's really frustrating when you don't want to, but have to, and people complain about it forever and three days. It's just fantastic.

I appreciate the fact that "Transcontinental" came on as I wrote that. That happened when I was in the wheelchair too. Well, now I just feel worse.

I'm happy that I won't be in school tomorrow. Even though I'll probably just become more overwhelmed.

I suppose it would be alright if I stopped complaining now. Sorry if you read this, but I'm posting it anyway.

1 care enough to -  let me know...
I can't keep up 'cause you're so far gone, and it's all too much hindsight. [16 Oct 2006|07:43pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Funny, I don't remember praying for patience.

1 care enough to -  let me know...
Go on if this will make you happier. [10 Oct 2006|03:29pm]
[ mood | weird ]

This morning I was reading my journal from China, and that was really refreshing. It reminded me of a lot of the commitments that I made on that trip. It also infuriated me because only one person that I went with responds to any effort to get in touch. I understand that people are busy. I am busy. I do not understand how you can have no time in two months to fulfill a promise to someone to stay in touch. I am thoroughly disappointed. I was amazed at how close we were, and now, I am equally amazed that we've gone home and left each other's lives entirely. Everyone else probably keeps in touch. I don't know what it is about me or what I did wrong, but I tried. After pondering this, and my frustrations with people I talk to more than I would currently like, I read "...love covers all offenses." I wrote it on my hand to remind me, and now I'm writing it in here to remind me. I don't remember exactly where it was, but it was somewhere in Proverbs 10. The fact that if you have true love through God, there are no offenses is incredible to me. I have to work on that, extra hard lately. I'm still frustrated, but that at least helped. 

I have no homework today. That is incredible to me. I was all excited because I thought I'd see Bob and go to the gym, but now I can only go to the gym if someone else will drive me, and Bob is not coming over. 

I think this medicine is giving me a taste of what it would be like to be bi-polar. Awesome.

2 care enough to -  let me know...
There is truth and love is real. I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd. [09 Oct 2006|08:07am]
[ mood | blah ]

I am glad that I am sappy. 

The past three days have been the best few days in a really long time. I like going for walks, apple-picking, parks, light-saber fights, having days off of school, drinking coffee shakes, and listening to good music on the porch. That was all fantabulous. 

I wish I had written earlier today, because since things have been incredible, I've been to the doctor. My doctor is a champ. I would like to find a doctor that tries to fix things instead of prescribing mass amounts of drugs for everything and nothing. 

I also wish I was at Joe's party. I didn't mind staying home for the sake of spending time with my family, but the thing is, we're all in different rooms, and as long as I'm in a different room, it might as well be in someone else's house. Oh well, we still have cake to eat and "Happy Birthday" to sing, or I guess I could go.

I can't remember ever being so pleased and frustrated with everything simultaneously before. It's strange. Not frustrated because of the above annoyances mentioned, by the way. That would be ridiculous.

Anyway, since I'm home, I'm going to go do chores. At least I will hopefully get to bed early tonight. That's doubtful though.

3 care enough to -  let me know...
Everything's the same, so go on, go on and complain. [06 Oct 2006|06:24pm]
[ mood | aggitated ]

let me know...
I've seen some hot, hot blazes come down to smoke and ash. [28 Sep 2006|02:59pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

It's a shame, you know?

I don't know if I believe it anymore. I don't know that I ever believed it. 

I don't really know what I want in an answer. I just want one. I just want some honesty. I just want some certainty. I just want things to be right.

I also want the bad men in my yard to go away and stop cutting my trees down. I would've hugged them if I had been home when they began. 

You know what else wouldn't be so bad? It wouldn't be so bad if my two-week-long headache went away. 

That, and if I stopped making horrible mistakes. That would be nice.

On the upside, I really like my homecoming dress and the song "They Can't Take That Away" and taking Marley for walks.

let me know...
Brightness fills empty space in search of inspiration. [20 Sep 2006|08:55pm]
[ mood | pleased ]

"What I really enjoy are people who, when they're singing, it feels like, if they didn't sing they wouldn't be alive. People who are compelled to do what they do. You can just feel it in their voice, feel it in their words -- this type of terrible passion." -Damien Rice

I read that, and I loved it. It made me wonder, what is it that I do that if I didn't do it, it would suck the life out of me. I obviously wouldn't physically die, but what would leave me seemingly lifeless? I went through what my answer would have been over the past few years, and it keeps changing. I then realized that part of it is changing. I need that. Nothing seems to go away though. I just keep adding more things. In sixth grade, it would have been writing lyrics and singing them. I've never stopped that. They've changed a lot, thank the Lord, but I still need it. Then there was dance. I don't take classes anymore, but if I go for a long time without dancing around a lot like I usually am, I go insane. It's certainly no longer hip-hop dancing, either. Now there's photography. Few things bother me as much as when I see a perfect picture and am not holding a camera. Everytime there's something new, something old becomes a bit less important. I always regret that. There are too many things in my life that I wish I didn't quit. (most of them being instruments) I want to perfect whatever art it is that I have this type of terrible passion for. I want to really work at the things I love instead of doubting myself so much that I figure that the work that I do will only be fruitless.

I am so glad that I stayed home today. I needed this.

6 care enough to -  let me know...
You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need. [10 Sep 2006|05:17pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

I am realizing that I plan too much. Everyone says it's good that I know what I want. Seriously though, it's just making me more insane than I already am. Not good. I've spent so much time figuring out the future and what I want to do with it that I can hardly wait until it happens. I am a junior in high school. I am fickle and my mind changes. I am also stubborn, and I won't admit when it does. What I was so sure about just may not be best. 

This realization came to me when I was thinking about school next year. I think I'm going to take half days at Kingsway and go to GCC and work. KIngsway offers nothing, so I might as well make good use of my time. This inspired me to look at SCAD again, and I don't know about that anymore. I will get no preparation for the missionary side of my future, aside from the fact that I'd be placed in a very secular environment, providing lots of opportunity to be a witness. That was my original thought, making it good. Maybe that's not enough. Maybe I need some classes. However, there is no place where you can major in photography or missions and minor in the other. It practically doesn't exist. I just want to find a place where I can combine my two passions, learn more about them, and be able to practice them both simultaneously in the future. It's funny because no required academic classes, other than history, kind of, are beneficial to either. I think I push myself too hard sometimes. I don't know why I do the things I do. I'll figure it all out in due time though. I know that for sure.

6 care enough to -  let me know...
We shed what was left of our summer skin. [07 Sep 2006|03:29pm]
[ mood | okay ]

So I'm home from Italy. I loved it there. Everything was so beautiful. I don't really feel like describing it in-depth, so here are some of my favorite pictures.  Unfortunately, my computer isn't handling uploading eight pictures at once onto photobucket very well and it's taking like three years. Once again, I don't know what's up with sizing.

This summer was incredible, but it went by really quickly, and now I have started school. My classes are mostly pretty good. I'm not a fan of physics or lunch, but ceramics/painting, human relations and English are going to be really good this year. My teachers are mostly average, which is surprising. Most Kingsway teachers are really quirky, but it seems like I only have two that way. Anyway, this year should be a good year. Last year was a good year, and everyone told me that should be my worst, so that's a good sign. Years just seem to be getting better as they go. I'm glad.

2 care enough to -  let me know...
You're dead to me if love is death. You're a memory with nothing to show. [21 Aug 2006|11:31am]
[ mood | loved ]

I also love see-saws, frisbee, being outside, and lots of brownies. I love making random trips to Best-Buy, sleeping outside, walking to the coffee shop, and spending the afternoon picnicing in the parking lot of the Amish Farmers' Market. I love my friends. They make me happy when it is seemingly impossible.

5 care enough to -  let me know...
I think that I was wrong, but I guess I don't know. I figure that I'll wait until you tell me so. [17 Aug 2006|12:03pm]
[ mood | bothered ]

It is completely amazing to me how long I can sit and think about the same person or event because things didn't quite go as I had expected. It's easy to let things go when they happen like I've spent time imagining that they would, but when I find out that it was pointless, I have to think about every reason why everything happened as it actually did. I have to figure out why things changed. I suppose that's only the disbelief of disappointment. When things go better than I would have thought, I still think about them forever. Not because I have to discover what went wrong, but because I like to dwell in everything magnificent until something opposite, or something more wonderful happens. That is the disbelief of fulfillment. My past few days or weeks have been mildly bizarre. Maybe it's just that my whole life is bizarre, but lately, I've taken better notice of it. I've found that I have a way of making the past and the future the present. China put a lot of things on my mind. The only thing is, when I was there, they were only on my mind, not real at all. That was both good and bad, and it makes it hard to see which I prefer. I suppose preference is no object, because I'm not going back to China any time soon. I suppose leaving the country at all will produce the same effect. In a week or so, I will have no telephone, no e-mail, and no way of seeing anyone in America. Unfortunately, what starts out as fiction and moves to reality does not move back to fiction.

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